SOME HUMOR TO LIGHTEN THE SPIRIT

Over the years, an important part of Pastor John Livingston’s sermons at UCR has been his wonderful use of humor. Humor is an essential element in all of our lives, helping us to get a different perspective…and get outside of ourselves. And best of all, it allows us to have a good laugh. And now, medical science has demonstrated the biological benefits of laughter. We now know that laughter is not only good for the spirit but also for the body.

We asked John to pull some of his favorite humorous stories and jokes out of his sermons for the ministry web page. The ones he liked best are listed below. If you have any fun stories or jokes you would like to share with us – please send them to: kris@ucrowayton.org. We will try to include them on this web page. And now, let the laughter begin….

All I Really Need to Know I Learned From Noah's Ark


1. Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.

2. Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something REALLY big.

3. Don't listen to critics -- do what has to be done.

4. Build on high ground.

5. For safety's sake, travel in pairs.

6. Two heads are better than one.

7. Speed isn't always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board, but so were the snails.

8. If you can't fight or flee -- float!

9. Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on earth.

10. Don't forget that we're all in the same boat.

11. When the doo-doo gets really deep, don't sit there and complain -- shovel!

12. If you have to start over, have a friend by your side.

13. Remember that the woodpeckers INSIDE are often a bigger threat than the storm outside.

14. Don't miss the boat.

15. No matter how bleak it looks, there's always a rainbow on the other side.

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JOE & THE LAWN MOWER

I heard about a man named Joe who made a big mistake. When his lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, Joe’s wife kept hinting to him that he should get it fixed. But, somehow Joe always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf--always something more important.

Finally, his wife thought of a clever way to make her point. When Joe arrived home one day, he found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away the grass with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. He watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. He was gone but a minute. When he came out again he had a toothbrush in his hand which he handed to her. He said, “When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.”

The doctors say Joe will walk again, but he will always have a limp.

What is the take home here? The most destructive myth in our culture today is that love comes naturally. It doesn’t! Love is something you work at, nurture, and sustain with prayer and patience.

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SIXTEEN THINGS THAT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN


By Dave Barry, Nationally Syndicated Columnist

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.

13. A person who is nice to you but rude to a waiter is not a nice person (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

16. Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into some thing acceptable to have dinner with.

 

 

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Memo From GOD:

FROM: God.

TO: Humanity
RE: SFGTD (Something for God to do)

 

I am God.


Today I will be handling all of your problems.
Please remember that I do not need your help.
If life happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle,
do not attempt to resolve it.
Kindly put it in the SFGTD (something for God to do) box.
It will be addressed in My time, not yours.
Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold on to it.

  1. If you find yourself stuck in traffic, don't despair.
    There are people in this world for who driving is an unheard of privilege.
  2. Should you have a bad day at work, think of the man who has been out of work for years.
  3. Should you despair over a relationship gone bad, think of the person who has never known what it's like to love and be loved in return.
  4. Should you grieve the passing of another weekend, think of the woman in dire straits, working twelve hours a day, seven days a week to feed her children.
  5. Should your car break down, leaving you miles away from assistance, think of the paraplegic who would love the opportunity to take that walk.
  6. Should you notice a new gray hair in the mirror, think of the cancer patient in chemotherapy who wishes she had hair to examine.
  7. Should you find yourself at a loss and pondering what is life all about, asking "What is my purpose?", be thankful. There are those who didn't live long enough to get the opportunity.
  8. Should you find yourself the victim of other people's bitterness, ignorance, smallness or insecurities, remember, things could be worse. You could be them!!!